


The Theater and its Double

by coldthing



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous Continuity, Body Horror, Brainwashing, Dark!Steve, Depersonalization, Derealization, Gen, M/M, Mental Illness, Unreliable Narrator, deprogramming, unreliable everyone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-02-22 20:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13174881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldthing/pseuds/coldthing
Summary: “Wait, where is Steve” Bucky asks, squirming in the officer’s arms before looking up at his face.“I’m right here Bucky” the man who looks like Steve Rogers says gently, but he can't be because Steve is safe at home in Brooklyn and Bucky is here in this madhouse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for google translate Russian, questionable psychology and my attempts at being literary.  
> My literary aspirations are greater than my talent, please tell me how I'm doing and how I can improve next time on my [Tumblr](https://radio-halo.tumblr.com)

A man's outline fills the door with the breadth of his shoulders, Bucky can see the cut of a military uniform, but can't tell what branch he's from.  For a moment he is filled with hope, the uniform is American, he's in an allied hospital, he must have been injured in that last push and miraculously transported somewhere safe.

"Captain " says the nurse, "I didn't expect you so soon" she salutes the man in the doorway.

"Thank you, I can take it from here" the man says quietly, he sounds American. He takes a chair from the far side of the room, the legs scraping against the floor and pulls it up next to Bucky, he sits down, quickly brushing at his uniform pants.

The nurse looks like she's going to object but a sharp look from the Captain stills her, she nods, and leaves, closing the door behind her. Bucky hears it lock with a click.

It's an effort for Bucky to turn his head towards the man too demand to be told where he is, where his unit is, what fucking happened, but then Steve Rogers smiles at him and for a split second everything is right again.

 _But it's not Steve_ , it's too big to be Steve for one, this man has to be 6 feet if he's an inch, the jaw is squared off wrong, the cheek bones too high, the eyes the wrong blue.  It's an excellent approximation, but it's not Steve.

The man is wearing an American army officer’s uniform and that at least looks legit enough, but they could have pulled that off a dead man.

He must have been captured by the Nazis, they must be trying to mess with his head. Azzano looked bad from the get go, he plumbs his memory but the last thing he can remember is eating D Rations in rainy Italian field.

He almost chokes, tries to sit up, but he's too weak, he needs to get away from the Captain in the American uniform.

"Calm down Bucky" the Captain says, "it's me, your safe now"

Bucky feels spittle drip down over his chin as he growls, "Nazi piece of shit"

The Captain blinks, familiar frown lines gathering between his eyes and he sits up slightly, his posture becoming less casual, a soldier than the friend he was clearly instructed to play.

"солдат, отчет о состоянии?" he asks sharply in Russian.

"Sergeant Barnes, James 32557038" Bucky grits out.

The frown deepens.

"Do you know who I am?"  the Captain asks.

"No" Bucky says harshly.

"Do you know who you are?" the Captain asks.

"Sergeant Barnes, James 32557038" Bucky says again.

There is a yawning moment of silence, then the Captain leans forward.

"What year is it?" the Captain asks, still speaking like an officer to a subordinate.  They got it all wrong, why would they think this obvious fraud could convince him.

Bucky spits at him, and the Captain flinches as if struck, he reaches up with a large hand, wipes his cheek with long artist's fingers and looks unimaginably sad.

Then without another word he gets to his feet and leaves, the door closing behind him again, leaving Bucky alone.

"What do you people want with me" Bucky demands of the nurse who comes to see him next, she is a pretty little redhead who despite smiling shyly at him has a grip like iron when she takes his pulse. "I'm nobody, I'm just a sergeant, I don't have any information "

"We don't want anything from you Sergeant Barnes" says the woman sweetly, she has an American accent too. She helps him sit up and places the cold circle of the stethoscope on his back listening intently.

Bucky still feels weak, and everything hurts, he feels like he's been hollowed out, his left arm is a mess of bandages and pins, immobilized against his chest, he can't move it, it rankles being moved about by this pretty nurse like a doll.

"Then why am I here?"

"You were injured" She says like it should be obvious, she puts a comforting hand on his arm as she checks his blood pressure, strong fingers pressed against the beating vein in his wrist.

"Where is everyone else?"

"In the general wards" She answers immediately "Your injuries were more severe, and the Captain requested a private room for you" Bucky glances around the room, other than the bed, there is a small table, and a single chair, the walls are white painted concrete, so not a field hospital, it could be anywhere,

"A real swell guy your Captain " Bucky says.

“He is very worried about you” The nurse replies as she checks the IV in Bucky's arm and replaces the bag hanging from the stand.

“He shouldn’t be” Bucky lets the nurse lay him back against the crisp hospital pillows. “I want to go back to my unit, I want to go back to the general ward, give the private room to someone else.”

“That’s not possible Sergeant Barnes” says the nurse.

“I want to see who is in charge”

“The Captain is in charge” The nurse says

“I want to see the doctor in charge”

The nurse’s pretty little mouth frowns “I’m afraid that isn’t possible.”

This time when the Captain   comes he brings food, a segmented tray with pieces of white meat, some limp wet green leaves and white paste that might have been potato at some point. It looks too industrial to be food, but steam rises off it like it’s warm and it smells like food should.  there is a small plastic cup with a straw in it set into its own segment of the tray. He places the tray legs across Bucky's knees and adjusts the bed so that Bucky is sitting up.

Then he sits down next to Bucky, steeples his fingers, and fixes him with the kind of gaze that must work on junior officers.

"солдат, отчет о состоянии?" He asks again.

Bucky glares at him, seething, he only has a few phrases in Russian, most of them obscene.

That tact having failed the Captain’s demeanor changes slightly, the reverse of the last time, instead of the soldier he entered as he becomes the concerned friend again.

"Do you know who I am?" He asks gently.

The eyebrows wrinkle together, nose scrunching up in indignation, but then the Captain smooths the expression out.

"No" Bucky says "pretending won't work"

"Who am I pretending to be?" The Captain asks.

"Fuck you" Bucky spits at him again, and this time the Captain has a white cloth to wipe the spittle away with, he tucks it back in his pocket and looks sad again, but he doesn’t leave.

Instead he asks, "Do you think you can manage some food?" There are plastic utensils with the meal, and suddenly Bucky has a perfect mental image of how this would play out, he would free himself from the bed, grab the fork and stick it through the Captain's jugular. He could picture each detail, each step, each spray of arterial blood, each time his fist would impact on the Captain's body as he moved towards the ultimate goal of....

Instead he reaches out and takes the fork with a careful, shaking hand and sets it against the food. He spears it carefully with the fork and then cautiously raises it to his mouth, he's heard stories about how the Nazis starve their prisoners, he should take any food he can get, if they wanted to poison him they had had plenty of chances already.

The Captain looks pleased, he sits back, giving Bucky space to eat.

The meat is chicken, boiled, completely unseasoned and as plain as possible, its already cut into small pieces, the greens are spinach, also probably boiled, the white paste tastes faintly like buttered potato. But it's warm, and a nice change from the metallic taste of anything stored in a D Ration.

The Captain watches Bucky eat with calculated interest but seems content not to talk.

Bucky finishes eating and sets his fork aside.

"Where are we?" Bucky demands.

"A hospital outside London" the Captain answers promptly.

"How long have I been here?"

"A few weeks" The Captain seems to have all his questions prepared and is relaxing into the questioning, his expression still genial and calm.

Its uncanny how much he looks like Steve, the Germans must have done surgery on him to make him look like that. The space between his eyebrows, where the skin wrinkles up is perfect, Bucky has spent over a decade looking at that little wrinkle and conspiring to smooth it out.

"What happened?" Bucky asks.

For the first time the Captain's expression darkens, the edges of his mouth turn down and his eyes narrow in genuine anger "Azzano was a shit show" He says with unusual vehemence, the plainness of his speech is unexpected, particularly from an officer.

"You think?"

"I barely pulled you out" and then the Captain smiles again 

"You were there were you?"

The Captain nods, “Yes, I was, I led the strike that liberated Azzano"

"well then where were you guys when we were hiding in foxholes waiting to run out of ammo"

The Captain flinches again “I was still in New York, I only learned of it when I arrived at the front three weeks later”

“And then you dropped everything to come save me, a fucking nobody”

"Your damn straight I did Bucky. I would do anything for you."

"Horse shit" Bucky says. " If the krauts think you can fool me into thinking your Steve Rogers then they are crazier than we thought"

The Captain sighs, rubs the back of his neck again, then drags his fingers through his closely cropped hair, Bucky remembers running his fingers through Steve's hair, always soft, fine and little too long.

The Captain's nose looks like it's been bashed in recently and not set quite right, and he has a nearly healed cut under his eye, he rubs between his eyebrows then down over his face and for a brief second the facade cracks, the Captain looks exhausted and worried.

"What can I do to prove to you I'm Steve Bucky?" He asks leaning forward again, his fingers laced together.

He doesn’t touch Bucky like Steve would have, Steve would have grabbed Bucky by the shoulders and shook him until he saw reason, but the Captain seems to be consciously keeping his hands-off Bucky.

"Absolutely nothing pal" Bucky says.

The Captain sighs deeply, pats his hands on his legs then gets to his feet.

He looks like he's going to step away and leave, but then he turns back and holds his hand out "The fork" he says gently, and Bucky doesn’t remember slipping it into the sheets in his lap, but once the Captain mentions it, Bucky knows exactly where it is. He hands it over; the Captain beams his Steve Rogers smile.

"I have duties I need to attend too, but I'll be back to sit with you soon" he says as he tucks the fork into his pocket and gathers up the tray.

"You needn’t bother" Bucky says, "You're just going to watch me like I’m some lab rat”

The Captain smiles sadly, nods once and then leave, the door locking behind him.

Bucky pats his face with his working hand to make sure he's real, he feels at least a week's worth of stubble growth, and his hair is nearly down to his shoulders. He must look a mess, how long has it been since that field in Italy?

Bucky blinks, he can hear someone speaking too him, he can't understand it, but he can't tell if it's just because its faint and far away or if it's because it’s a different language.

He opens his eyes, his body feels too big, too heavy and numb all the way through. He's sitting upright on the edge of the bed, back straight and at attention.

A man in an American uniform is speaking to him, firmly and authoritatively like he's Bucky's superior officer and Bucky thinks _yes, that’s how it should be._

Bucky blinks, shakes his head, he realizes that he had been replying to the man in the American uniform, but he has stopped while he took stock of his situation and can now no longer remember what he had been saying.

" _Soldier_?" The officer says, and Bucky focuses on him, he's a Captain, special branch, blond hair, blue eyes and its... Steve, but it can't be Steve, Steve is in Brooklyn, Bucky got a letter from him just a few days ago.

" _Soldier_?" The officer asks again, his brow narrowing, and his posture tightening.

" _Yes sir_ " Bucky answers.

" _Can you tell me what just happened_?" The Captain is speaking Russian Bucky realizes.

"I...I... I'm not sure" Bucky says, his tongue feels heavy and distant from his control, he feels himself tense in preparation for a blow, but it doesn’t come.

The American officer’s expression changes slightly but he says, " _continue with your report soldier._ "

Bucky continues.

The pretty nurse helps him out of bed, he's still too weak and when he tries to stand up right, his knees go soft and wobbly.

"Fuck" He says as the nurse tries to help him, he waves her aside, but she insists, she's very strong and her hands firm and slightly cold.

"We need to run some tests sergeant" she says as she settles Bucky's soft cotton robe over his lap. Bucky feels off balance with his left arm pinned up and immobilized. He feels vaguely sick, like he wants to throw up the insides of his head.

 "After that I think the Captain has a surprise for you" even when she says this in a bright and cheerful voice it sounds ominous, despite the mild temperature in the facility, a chill creep down Bucky’s spine.

The testing is tedious, and blurs together in his mind. The air smells antiseptic and the silence in the facility is overwhelming. There are no windows, and Bucky doesn’t see anyone else as he's wheeled down the corridors.

There is one doctor, a harried looking middle-aged man with glasses and very warm hands, he has an American accent just like the Captain and the nurse.

The doctor hooks lead to Bucky's forehead, the back of his neck, and then plays with a machine that makes ominous humming sounds. Bucky clenches his hand on the arms of his chair and fixes his eyes on the red headed nurse's shapely calves.

After that they make him stand, and he manages it with some difficulty, they unstrap his arm from where its immobilized against his chest, its numb and heavy, not like his arm at all, just a thing bolted to his shoulder. The nurse helps him extend it, and it at least looks like an arm now, with fingers and a thumb all wrapped in bandages.

The doctor hooks up lead to his forearm and shoulder and runs the test again, the fingers twitch and flex and the doctor seems pleased, but Bucky can't feel anything.

"What's the prognosis doc?" He asks, aiming for levity "Am I gonna lose it?"

The doctor looks down at his read outs, then back up at Bucky, he pushes his glasses back up his nose with one knuckle.

 "I don't think so, no" he says brightly and helps the nurse re-secure the useless arm.

Bucky looks at the doctor then, seriously, he's clearly not military, but there's a carefulness to his movements that’s somewhat unsettling.

"Are you the doctor in charge?" Bucky demands as he lets himself be seated back in his wheel chair.

"I am" the doctor replies.

"I want to lodge a complaint" Bucky says.

The doctor's smile is slightly unpleasant "I'll let the Captain know" he says.

The Captain takes him down a white hallway out into a rounded sun room, outside grass stretches away from the huge bay windows and ends at a distant line of trees.  the sky is clear and bright, a few wisps of clouds dot the blue sky.

There are a few chairs scattered about, it still looks sterile and clinical but Bucky smiles, it's nice to feel the sun on his face.

"Where are we" Bucky asks.

"Outside London" The Captain answers, he wheels Bucky towards the windows, then puts the brake down on his chair and settles himself into one of the nearby armchairs.

Bucky looks out the window trying to get more detail about the trees, there's nothing he can see that clearly disproves the Captain's statement.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Bucky enjoying the sunlight, he can see the Captain watching him intently from the corner of his eye, his expression is intense, far from the reserved geniality he has always directed at Bucky.

The Captain has a file folder tucked under one of his arms and he leans forward, shuffling through the papers inside it.

"Do you recognize this person?" He asks, and holds up a fading photograph of Steve Rogers, looking sallow and belligerent on the stoop of their Brooklyn apartment. His shirt is open and his suspenders down from his bony shoulders.

Bucky looks at the Captain like he must be nuts, absolutely, completely certifiable.

"Where did you get that?" Bucky demands and reaches for it, but the Captain pulls it back out of his reach, then he pulls out another picture and holds them side by side as he and shows the two to Bucky.

The second photo is a man who appears to be the Captain he is out of uniform, in just fatigues and a singlet, standing in front of what looks like a parade ground, he looks out of breath and his pale hair is slick to his forehead.

Buck doesn’t say anything, there is a definite resemblance in the defiant jut of the chin between Steve and the Captain, but the Captain is still filled out all wrong to be Steve.  The Captain holds the pictures out in front of Bucky for a few more seconds, before replacing them in the file folder.

"How about this one?" the Captain asks as pulls out a third photo, and its Bucky in his uniform standing next to Steve at the world's fair, they must have been waiting for the girls at that point because Steve doesn’t look like he's worked himself into his usual snit, and instead he's relaxed and smiling, looking at something Bucky is pointing too off camera.

"I don't know where your getting these pal, but it's really creepy"

The Captain's expression is unreadable, and he says, "this one?"

This photo is from Italy, Bucky looking tired but triumphant with a handful of cards and a cigarette in his mouth. Bucky actually remembers when this was taken, they had survived Salerno, and everyone was elated to still be alive. There had been newsmen in the camp that evening, taking pictures of America's brave boys to send home and publish.

"I lost the next hand" Bucky says.

The Captain smiles ruefully, "Can you tell me when this was?"

"Early September '43" Bucky says suspiciously.

The Captain seems pleased by this at least, Bucky feels like he finally got the correct answer in a test full of questions he can't understand.

"One more" says the Captain, and he holds a final photo out to Bucky. Its Bucky, and the Captain sitting shoulder to shoulder at a bar. Bucky looks worse for wear, missing his cap and his ragged shirt a horrible contrast to the Captain's immaculate uniform. Still the Captain is smiling, his hair dumb and floppy like Steve's used to get when he hadn't combed it out properly. He's looking in Bucky's direction and smiling softly, but Bucky is gazing off camera, a full glass in his hand.

"I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but it's really starting to get fucking sick" Bucky says, swatting the photo away. "Real shit, you're not going to convince me of anything"

With uncommon dexterity the Captain catches the photo before it goes flying and holds it straight again "This was taken in London a week after I pulled you out of Azzano, Septermber'44"

"If you say so pal" Bucky says.

The Captain looks unhappy, his mouth twisting in a frown, then he opens the folder up again and pulls out another photo, shows it to Bucky.

“Do you recognize this woman?” he asks

The woman in the photo is a truly classy looking dame, dark hair in neat waves, and a sardonic twist to her full mouth. She's wearing an unfamiliar uniform, and Bucky grasps for something and too his surprise he finds it. Her face, he's seen her before, he has a name

“Carter” Bucky says. “She’s some kind of British attaché, hung around with the brass”

The Captain looks suddenly pleased, the expression completely unexpected and it makes him look even more like Steve Rogers.  Bucky feels a tugging deep in his chest seeing that smile, but then the Captain leans forward, changing the angle Bucky is seeing him from and, the Captain’s jaw is too squared off and he's not Steve Rogers again.

“Anything else you can tell me about her?”  the Captain asks earnestly.

“I heard she stamped on some guy’s foot so hard he lost a toe because he had grabbed her bottom” Bucky shrugs, the Captain’s expression looks hopeful, but Bucky has nothing more to give him “I never spoke to her” he says.

The Captain’s mouth quirks, “That sounds about right” he says.

The Captain gathers all the photos and slides them back into the folder a few more papers slide around inside but Bucky doesn’t have enough time to get a clear view, before the Captain closes it and tucks it into the space between his thigh and the arm of the chair.

He leans forwards, lacing his fingers together, his expression suddenly serious.

"Can you tell me about Azzano" he asks.

"Azzano was a shit show" Bucky says parroting back the Captain's words and tone of voice.

"I did say that didn't I" the Captain replies, his voice catching on a hard-sharp edge.

"Weren't you there?" Bucky replies snidely.

"Three weeks later, I only saw the after-action reports, I don't know what actually happened "

Bucky reaches into his memory for something he knows should be there, but he comes up empty, grasping for a memory that should exist but doesn’t. The last thing he remembers is lying in a rainy field adjusting the sights on his rifle and feeling sorry for himself.

"I told you, you wouldn't get anything from me, play mind games all you want" he says to cover his growing unease with his own memories.

He reaches for the memories again, there's a yawning void in his head and suddenly he feels like he wants to vomit.

Bucky blinks and turns his head and then realizes he's in so much pain, his face feels pulpy and soft. His useless arm feels like it weighs a million pounds, weighing down on his chest where it is immobilized.

The Captain is sitting on the chair next to his bed, working on something on a legal pad, he looks up when Bucky starts awaking. He looks more tired than the last time Bucky had seen him, there is the yellowing remains of a bruise on his cheek and his lower lip is swollen.

"солдат, отчет о состоянии?" He asks in his officer’s commanding voice when he sees Bucky turn towards him.

"I don't speak Russian" Bucky says.

He hears the Captain sigh in relief and then he smiles like Steve Rogers again, "I'm asking you for a status report" the Captain says.

"Why in Russian?"

"it's complicated"

"I bet it is pal" Bucky tries to sit up but can't, he feels like he's been punched in the kidneys.

"What happened? I feel like I've been worked over by Big Seamus and all his brothers"

The Captain chuckles, he touches the fading bruise on his cheek, “I bet you do, you had an attack, but you're through it now"

"An attack of what" Bucky asks suspiciously.

"All that matters are that it's over now"

"You're not helping your case at all pal" Bucky says. "The guy who your pretending to be, wouldn't have put up with a shit answer like that all"

"I'm not pretending to be anybody" The Captain says as he gives Bucky a rueful mile " Father O'Toole said that that guy was the most obstinate stubborn little shit he had ever seen."

"You krauts do your homework" Bucky says.

"How do you figure?" The Captain asks.

"But why I don't know, all this effort for one sergeant, I don't have anything useful for you too trick me into giving you" Bucky continues.

"Why do you think I'm trying to trick you Bucky?" The Captain asks.

"Because you're not Steve Rogers"

"Why do you think that?" The Captain asks likes he's a fucking head shrinker.

Bucky looks at the Captain like he's got to be mad, _he must be mad_ , the krauts must be mad if they think this facsimile is Steve Rogers. He's built like a horse, shoulders and chest filling out his uniform like he was built to wear it. Maybe he _was_ built, who knows what kind of horrible science the Nazis have been up too, it must be some kind of _Amazing Stories_ bullshit.

"Bucky?" the Captain asks, and Bucky comes back to himself.

"Steve is in Brooklyn" Bucky says firmly so this Captain who couldn't be Steve would understand him. "Steve is a tiny little shit with scoliosis and bad lungs"

"My mother's name was Sarah" the Captain says. "She died in '37, tuberculosis"

The vomiting feeling rises in Bucky's gorge again as he tries to summon another denial.

Bucky blinks and he is staring at a man through a window, the man's face is lean and narrow, unshaven, framed by a dirty fringe of long hair, his mouth is set into a deep snarl of rage, one arm is raised as if to break the window and leap through the shattered shell to grab Bucky by the throat.

Bucky panics, backs up, tries to duck down, make himself as small as possible and the man in the window does so to, mirroring Bucky's every motion.

Bucky feels like his head is going to vomit again, and staggers to the side almost falling over on his left side where his arm is immobilized and can't catch him, but his arm does catch him, and he rolls instead of sprawling.

 He looks up, the man in the window looks up, Bucky closes his eyes and tries not to vomit.

The man in the window raises his arm, steadying himself against the wall, the arm is sheathed in gleaming steel, plates of metal moving together like intricate puzzle pieces. Bucky gets unsteadily to his feet, leaning on the wall and panting.

He's in a bathroom, lit by a red emergency light somewhere there is a sound like an air raid siren. There is a toilet, a sink, a shower cubicle and a door that locks from the inside, his breath sounds loud and ragged like he's been running scared.

The man in the window regards him suspiciously, his eyes are dark in deep hollows, a few weeks of beard and his lank hair hangs down to his chin. He leans forward towards the window, towards Bucky, his metal hand flat on the window separating them.

Why is there a window in a bathroom, Bucky’s head feels like it's going to explode, he doesn’t think he can stand up straight, and the world lurches, his heart beating too fast, and he can’t slow it down.

He bumps his head against the window, the man on the other side presses his forehead against the glass, like he wants to bash it in with his head, their breath fogs the glass between them.

“You and me both pal” Bucky breathes and sees the man in the window give him a crooked lopsided grin in reply.

Something thumps against the narrow door to their left, and Bucky trips up, almost cracking his head against the window.

The world shudders and yaws, Bucky's stomach is empty, and he has to wait for the dry heaves to stop before he can focus again.

“Bucky” a man's s voice comes from the other side of the door, muffled and tinny. “Bucky, I know your scared, but you need to trust me.”

Bucky scrubs at his face, his cheeks are still covered with a few days of beard and he pushes his greasy hair back behind his ears, how did he get into such a state.

“Bucky?” Says a voice on the other side of the door, Steve’s voice, why is he locked in this bathroom, why has a he locked _himself_ in this bathroom. Was he drunk, did someone slip something into his rations?

“Bucky, listen to me, I can help you” Steve’s voice is earnest and worried, Bucky lets a little hysterical giggle out. When he finally figures out what's going on he knows Steve is going to lord it over him how he had to help poor Bucky out, _and how did he like that, being the helpless one for once?_

“Alright Steve” Bucky says, “Just calm down or you'll start coughing”

There is a faint exasperated laugh on the other side of the door, and whoever is rattling the knob stops and steps back.

Bucky almost falls over as he pushes the door open, his legs unable to support him, and a man in an officer’s uniform catches him in thick strong arms, lowering him easily to the floor. The man smells like cologne and boot polish.

“Wait, where is Steve” Bucky asks, squirming in the officer’s arms before looking up at his face.

“I’m right here Bucky” the man who looks like Steve Rogers says gently, but he can't be because Steve is safe at home in Brooklyn and Bucky is here in this madhouse.

“Who are you?”

The man in the uniform who looks like Steve Rogers says, "I'm Steve"

Bucky laughs "Stop pretending, Steve is in Brooklyn, there is no way"

The man in the uniform sighs, and doesn’t push any more, instead he says. "Can you stand? Let me help you back into bed"

Bucky tries to stand, and manages it, but when he tries to take a step his knee buckles out from under him, the man in the uniform catches him deftly, lifting him up bridal style like he weighs nothing.

Bucky looks up into the Captain's face and he has a black eye and his lip is bleeding, there is grit in his hair.  he's not wearing his jacket, and is down to his dress shirt, his tie pulled lose. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows revealing muscled forearms dusted with fine blond hair. Seeing him like this is oddly humanizing, so he isn’t some kind of Nazi robot, he's just a human, and someone worked him over really well.

The Captain sets Bucky down on the bed like he's something precious, almost immediately the red-haired nurse is by his side, reinserting an IV to where Bucky had clearly ripped it out of his arm, and placing new sensor leads on his chest. 

The officer gives her space to work, but he doesn’t step to far away from the bedside. He wipes blood away from his lip and from under his nose with the back of his hand.

"Did I give you that shiner" Bucky's head is starting to feel heavy and dull, he turns to the side to look at the Captain.

The Captain gingerly touches his cheek, "Yes" he says.

Bucky grins fiercely at him "good" he says, surprised at the savagery in his voice.

Then he considers. "Who was that man?"

"what man?" The Captain asks.

"in the window"

The Captain glances back towards the open door and the red light winking off the mirror's reflection.

"No one you need to worry about" the Captain says and puts his hand on Bucky's arm in a way that’s meant to be reassuring; it isn't, and Bucky flinches.

It's the nurse who wakes him, shaking him firmly by the shoulders as she peels away sensor leads and disconnects his IV.

“I apologize Sergeant Barnes, but there has been an emergency, we need to move you” she already has a wheel chair ready for him to sprawl into because he still can’t keep himself up on two feet.

The red light above the door is on again, and something like an air raid siren howls in the distance.

“Air raid?” He asks groggily as the nurse pulls a strap across his lap and makes sure his feet are against the baseboard.

“Yes” She answers, she stands up, and firmly grabs the handles of the whole chair before wheeling him out into the hall.

The turn the opposite way from when she had taken him to the sun room, this time they seem to be progressing deeper and deeper into the complex.

The walls shudder, and some dust falls from the ceiling.

"The Captain will be by to see that your safe when he gets a chance" the nurse says, her voice tight and serious.

"Why?" Bucky demands, twisting around in the chair to look at her. In the red emergency light, it looks like her face is covered in blood. Bucky realizes that she's wearing a shoulder holster under her navy-blue sweater, the outline of the gun clear now that her shoulders are drawn tight with stress.

The nurse’s eyes are cold when she glances down at him. “You are his highest priority Sergeant, no matter how much I or the doctor disapprove of it”

“And what the fuck does that mean?” Bucky demands, trying to get out of the wheel chair.

“Shah” Says the nurse sharply, she puts her cold hand on his shoulder and holds him down somewhere above them something rumbles like artillery fire.

Another few minutes through the twisting passage ways of the facility and the nurse turns his chair into what appears to be a military command center.

Flickering monitors line the walls all of them showing empty hallways and dusty rooms. Below them banks of consoles and keyboards. The American doctor is there too, sitting in a creaking chair, a well-thumbed file open on his lap.

“How is the other guy?” The nurse asks, there is warmth in her voice as she speaks to the doctor. The doctor pushes his glasses back up his nose with his knuckle again.

“He's good for now” says the doctor “we can get him out in a worst-case scenario, if the Captain fails”

“and have you ever known Steve Rogers to fail?” the nurse grins unexpectedly

The doctor grins in reply and Bucky feels like he's privy to some private joke that he can almost understand, but the meaning of is just out of his reach.

The nurse wheels Bucky up to one of the monitor banks and parks him there.

“where is everyone else?” Bucky demands “I thought my unit was in the general ward, where are we?”

The nurse and the doctor exchange exasperated look.  Bucky’s anger wells, he's sick and tired of being strung along and lied too.

“Or are we just abandoning all pretense, that this is an American hospital?” Bucky yells and he's on his feet, swaying because he got up to fast, but he's going to wipe that smirk off the nurse’s pretty face if it's the last thing he does. “Are we still pretending your all not fucking Nazis? I want to know where my men are.”

The nurse and the doctor exchange another look, the doctor looks disapproving but nods.

“Грузовой вагон” says the nurse.

Bucky blinks.

“ _Soldier_?” asks the nurse.

“ _Ready to comply”_ says Bucky. The nurse seems pleased and she and the doctor help Bucky take off the bandages on his left arm, revealing gleaming metal inch by inch. Bucky flexes the arm and it no longer feels like an inanimate object, he can feel the plates shift and smoothly flex like muscle.

“ _Find Steve_ ” the nurse says. “ _Protect him_ ” she pulls the gun out from under her sweater and hands it to Bucky.

“ _Acknowledged_ ” Says Bucky.


	2. Chapter 2

Patience is the Soldier's virtue, forethought isn't but that’s what the handlers are for, he has his mission now, and all that remains is for him to complete it.

He follows the trail of broken bleeding bodies the Captain has left behind him, now as he’s moving up through the facility he’s beginning to see more people, personnel in dark uniforms and tactical gear rush past him.

" _Soldier_?"  a woman who steps out in front of him demands, her close-cropped hair is full of dust and the pale plaster stands out white against her dark skin, and her face is terrifyingly fierce.

" _Yes Sir_ ” Bucky says,

" _What are your orders soldier?_ " She asks.

" _Find Steve. Protect him_ " Bucky says.

The woman in the dark uniform nods approvingly and gives him another gun and a combat knife. She stops a man who is hurrying down the hall way past them and takes his flack vest, hands it to Bucky who straps it on, she adds a radio earpiece to the collection and Bucky puts that in, flinching slightly at the sudden barrage of voices.

“ _Last I heard the Captain he was heading to hanger bay C”_ Says the woman.

“ _Acknowledged_ ” Says Bucky.

“Captain, the Soldier is inbound, get the mops ready” Bucky hears the woman say over the radio as he moves off.

Personnel jump out of his way despite the fact that he's one man wearing lose hospital scrubs and a flack vest, he is barefoot, and the floor tiles are gritty and cold under his feet.

There is a flurry of static and then Steve Rogers’s voice breaks through “...fucking asshole, I thought I told you...” the voice breaks off again, there's crackling and shouting in the back ground.

“Language” says another voice.

“Fuck you, you fucking fuck” Says Steve Rogers because Steve Rogers has a mouth like a sewer.

Bucky thinks he's going to be following the press of personnel, or the signs, but what he really finds himself following is the noise. The shrieking sound of air moving quickly past a hole at high altitudes, the boom and clatter of automatic weapons

Coming up a flight of stairs he finds himself blinking as he enters a large brightly lit bay, near precision rows of air craft line the bay, and a huge hole has been ripped in the side.

Outside there is only freezing whiteness, rushing wind and the barest hint of the smell of snow. Not outside London after all.

But that's a question for a later time, right now there are people to kill.

Bucky sets out at a flat run towards where the Captain is in danger of being dragged under by a gang of men in unfamiliar uniforms. He draws the knife, sets it between his teeth, he has two guns, full magazines, but no spare ammo.  Can't have everything, but this is plenty.

"Bucky no!" The Captain shouts before Bucky dives in to the melee after him.

The Soldier was engineered for war, simultaneously the ultimate weapon and the ultimate deterrent.

Bucky is barefoot and in nothing but hospital scrubs and a flack vest and he blazes through the bodies, the inside of his head is calm, glacial and focused. He steps into the space of an agent, pistol whips him, steps around sending the now limp body into an enemy directly behind him. A twist of the ankle, and he ducks under a man using the body of a machine gun as a club, weaves back a few steps before he can empty his clip into the man, and the man behind him.

One gun down he tosses the empty pistol aside and takes the combat knife out from between his teeth, lunges forward, pistol in his left hand, knife in his right, he snaps his arm out, blade cleaving along the face of a man before the follow through brings the edge of the knife to another man's arm where it halts. Bucky pulls back, wrist twisting to the jagged edge of the knife severs tendons and arteries as it comes outs.

_Find Steve (Completed)_

_Protect him (In Progress)_

The Captain brings his shield up over his shoulder, Bucky levels his pistols on it and fires, ricocheting the bullets off at oblique angles to snap into two separate enemy agents. The shield rolls off the Captain's arm, hits another man, and Bucky catches it, spins, uses it to block a burst of gunfire and then sends it on its way. The shield bounces off an aircraft, shifting the heavy vehicle, almost flattening another enemy with the sudden movement of the wing and then returns to the Captain's arm.

Warm blood spatters on Bucky's face, he pauses for a second to take stock of the situation, the Captain's shoulder bumps against his companionably, Bucky shifts so that they are back to back, falling into step with each other like they had never been apart. The Captain's back is warm and solid against his and everything makes sense.

They move as a single unit, two halves of a whole, Bucky moving forward while the Captain covers his back. The Captain charging in while Bucky flanks.

The perfection of it makes Bucky wish that the Captain really was Steve Rogers, it doesn’t matter right now that the Captain isn't Rogers, the flow of combat is too flawless, but perhaps after the fighting is over, it might be nice to talk to Steve again.

United they make quick work of the attackers; dark uniformed agents begin to swarm into the hanger behind Bucky. Engineer in green coveralls begin to inspect the aircraft stored there and work on securing the rent in the side.

“ _Status_?” The Captain asks, as he brushes dust off his shoulder, he secures his shield against his back and smiles widely.

 “ _Operational potential at 100%_ ” Bucky replies.

The Captain laughs, and he reaches out, puts his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, squeezes it companionably.

“I wish they didn’t have to activate you, but I am glad to see you Bucky” the Captain’s smile is radiant, and Bucky wants to bask in it forever.

Bucky feels a spark of warmth kindle in his chest, “You too Stevie” He says.

The Captain’s expression goes through another complicated set of emotions, and he squeezes Bucky’s shoulder again, holding on to it as if Bucky might run away.

 “ _It is good to see you again Captain Rogers_ ” Bucky says.

Those words make something flicker across the Captain’s face, too fast for Bucky to catch, but then something else leaves the Captain’s expression and it smooths back into his officer persona’s bland professionalism.

“ _You’re covered in blood_ ” Says the Captain, suddenly brusque “ _let's get you back below deck and cleaned up.”_

Bucky touches his cheek, and yes, his finger does come away sticky with red viscera, he looks down, below the knees his scrubs are drenched in blood, he can feel it drying sticky and uncomfortable on the skin of his bare feet.  He takes his vest off, checks his chest for injuries, he seems to have sustained some impact bruising, to his chest and some minor lacerations on his arms. Very little of the blood is his.

“ _Yes, please_ ” Bucky says.

Technicians are swarming the rent in the hanger wall, there is cold air rushing past, airborne, interesting, before now Bucky had had a profound sense of being deep underground, but now he can hear the rumble of engines in the deck plates under his feet.

Personnel move out of the way of Bucky and the Captain as if he were Moses parting the Red Sea. The redheaded nurse joins them as they descend back to the familiar empty levels, she flashes them both a little salute.

The Captain glares at her "I'm going to want to talk to you later" He tells her, and she raises a sardonic eyebrow in reply.

"Do we know what they were after?" The Captain is asking the nurse.

The nurse glances back at Bucky who is following them obediently "What do you think?" She asks, it isn't clear if she is asking the question of Bucky or the Captain.

" _Me_ " Bucky answers anyway.

"Him" Says the Captain darkly. "I just don't usually expect Hydra to be this disorganized, a much larger better trained force would be needed to assault our position"

"Maybe your ongoing campaign of _kill them all_ is more effective than you thought" The nurse says breezily. "They're scraping the bottom of the fanatic barrel"

"You know that isn't true, _kill one head_ and all that shit" Says the Captain " I can't help but feel that we're missing something"

As they return to the depths of the craft the sound and vibration of the engines fade, and it once again begins to feel like they are deep deep underground.

Bucky follows them calmly, someone takes his guns and his knife from him and relieves him of the damaged flack vest. Then the nurse helps him as he pulls his soiled bloody scrubs off, absently noticing that he's been leaving a trail of blood foot prints behind him.  Now that he's naked he feels the cool air on his skin.

" _All right, let's get you cleaned up_ " The Captain says, he takes his own flack vest off, and rolls up the sleeves of his undershirt. Bucky feels the Captain put the palm of his hand at the small of Bucky's back and gently guide him towards the barracks and the tiled floor of the washroom.

Bucky almost flinches, expecting a blast of cold water when he finally steps into the showers, but the stream of water coming from the head is warm and mild. It pricks along his skin and he look down to see the tacky dark blood on his feet dissolving and draining away.

The nurse hands him a rough brush and he uses it to clean his fingers until they are scraped raw, then he uses it to clean the joints in his arm. He sets it into the dish mounted half way up to the wall containing a lump of white soap.

Bucky feels distant from his body, he closes his eyes, lets the warmth sink into his bones, he's been so so cold for so long, he had almost forgotten what heat felt like.

Bucky reaches for the soap, grabbing it firmly with his right hand and rubbing it into a lather against his bare chest.

His hair and skin have that gritty oily feel one gets when one hasn’t had a chance to have a proper bath in a long time, the soap smells familiar, bringing back memories of bath houses; cold tiles against his back as a warm body presses against his chest, sharing his breath. He shudders and scrubs more firmly at his skin.

Bucky opens his eyes, takes stock of his surroundings.  He's standing in some kind of communal shower, multiple shower heads protrude from the wall in a row, but he is the only one under them. The tiles are white and flecked with aging grout. The air smells like linen and mildew. There are no windows. He's not alone, there's someone familiar standing against the far wall.

"Steve?" Bucky asks and doesn’t know why he says it. Water is streaming down his face and through his long hair and he can't see the figure leaning on the far wall clearly.

The figure starts in surprise, body language changing "Bucky?" Steve Rogers asks.

The figure steps closer, reaching under the spray of water to take Bucky by the shoulders and bring him out, not minding that water is hitting his uniform shirt creating a pattern of dark flecks.

"Steve" Bucky says, this time it's a statement and not a question. Bucky feels his damp hair pushed out of his face by gentle hands, long fingers smooth over his cheeks, and he looks up into a familiar face.

Bucky blinks. " _Captain_?" He asks uncertainly, suddenly not understanding why the Captain is almost standing under the stream of water with him, his forearms wet, and his big hands cupped around Bucky's face.

" _Soldier_?" Asks the Captain, his face falling.

" _Yes Sir_ " says Bucky.

" _How are you feeling_?" The Captain steps back quickly, wiping his hands off.

" _Better Sir_ " Bucky says, as the Captain flushes and looks away, he backs up and picks up fresh towels from where they had been sitting by the door.

" _All clean now, I'll take you back to your room and then I'll call medical to come take a look at you._ " The Captain says.

"Y _es Sir_ " Bucky says.


	3. Chapter 3

" _Alright Soldier, I need you to listen to me very carefully_ " The Captain is telling him, and Bucky nods, politely attentive. He is standing at parade rest, in clean scrubs with his arm re-secured and immobilized against his chest. His mission was completed, so Bucky is expecting it when the Captain speaks.

"желание."  Says the Captain.

Bucky blinks, then almost keels over retching, his chest and stomach seizing with disgust. He's back in his room, his body is wet, and he can smell soap, but he feels filthy. He looks down and he can see that he has blood under his fingernails. Someone has tried to clean them, they are red and feel raw, but he can still feel the blood all over them.

Bucky retches again, almost passes out, retches so hard he thinks he might have cracked a rib, and he can't breathe in because his stomach is too busy heaving with disgust. Everything hurts, it feels like he's just been hit by a tank.

"Bucky?" Steve Rogers asks him, a hand on Bucky's shoulder as Bucky vainly attempts to get his breathing under control.

"Steve" Bucky looks up, but the man touching his shoulder gently isn't Steve. Bucky jerks back, trying to roll away but his arm is pinned to his chest and he just slumps, hitting his shoulder hard on the floor. That hurts too.

"Shhh" Says the man in the Captain's uniform, he kneels down so that he is almost eye to eye with Bucky. "it's ok, your safe now" like he's talking to a frightened animal.

"Fuck you" says Bucky when he can pull enough air into his lungs to speak.

The Captain's brow wrinkles into a frown, but instead of responding he straightens up, holds out his hand to Bucky.

"Need help?" He asks.

Bucky brusquely shakes his head, he gets his legs under him, and then uses the bed frame to hoist himself to his feet.  The effort is exhausting, one of the legs of his scrub pants is rucked up to his knee and his leg looks like it’s all just one bruise. Finally, on his feet Bucky glares at the Captain, both of them standing they are still not eye to eye and the Captain's Steve Rogers frown is almost unbearable.

Bucky looks away angrily.  His legs are still wobbly, but he manages to push himself back and into a sitting position on the bed.

“You’re not Steve Rogers” Bucky says angrily. He wants to reach out and grab the Captain by the throat, choke some sense into him, why do they keep thinking that this obvious fraud will convince him. It's so so close Bucky almost wants to believe its Steve, but he can’t reconcile the ornery little shit he left yelling obscenities at him in Brooklyn, with this polished army officer so matter how close their features might be.

"Ok" says the Captain slowly, he pauses, then he says with strained exactness, "Alright, I'm not Steve Rogers, you _got me_ , will you at least believe me that we're not Nazis, and we are not trying to hurt you"

Bucky can tell he's being humored and finds he doesn’t like it. "Why else would you pretend to be Steve Rogers other than to hurt me"

The Captain throws his hands up in defeat, shrugs with both his huge shoulders " I don't know, you’ve been through something incredibly traumatic, we were trying to ease you back into reality, the doctors said a familiar face would help"

"Your face isn't right, you're not Steve, and your built like Charles Atlas"

The Captain looks embarrassed "Well that’s _another_ complicated story"

"But that’s what it is, a _story_ , a _lie_ "

The Captain looks unhappy "Ok" he says. “if I'm not Steve Rogers, then who am I?”

“How the fuck should I know?” Bucky demands, he thought he was getting answers, but all he's getting is more questions. "All you've done is lie to me since I got to this madhouse. Has anything you've said to me been true?"

The Captain looks even more unhappy, he chews on his bottom lip, the silence stretches for a while before the Captain seems to make up his mind about something.

"I really was at Azzano three weeks later, I really did pull you out with a bunch of other POWs, that’s all true" he says.

" But my unit isn't in a general ward somewhere, I’m the only one here" Bucky continues. He tries to keep his voice steady, how long has it been.

"Yes"

“Are we really just outside London?” Bucky asks.

"No"

Bucky slumps back, " So, where are we?"

"I can't tell you that" The Captain says

“I suppose no answer is better than a lie” Bucky tells him snidely.

The Captain shrugs again, still defeated.

They sit together in the sun room, the warm light isn’t quite as comforting now that Bucky knows that it is artificial, but the warmth and color is a welcome respite from the monotony of the rest of the facility.  White clouds chase across the sky outside the windows and the trees at the bottom of the garden wave and shiver. It's not real, it's some kind of projection, Bucky closes his eyes and just feels the light and heat on his cheeks, he opens his eyes again, and glances at the Captain who is sitting next to him.

 The Captain has an open copy of _ Johnny Got His Gun_ in his lap, his coffee cup balanced precariously on the arm of his chair.  Bucky remembers that book, it had been one of Steve's favorites. Bucky had always found it oppressively miserable, not understanding how someone would want to compound the hurt the Great War had inflicted on the Rogers family by reading about it.

 A dog-eared copy of _The Brass Check,_ one of Sarah Rogers's favorites sits along with some other equally battered books on the table.  Sarah Rogers, always the revolutionary.

Bucky has his own paper coffee cup and the coffee is pretty good, better than anything he got in the field, better even than the coffee he had sweet talked the quartermaster's office into giving him. Bucky sips it slowly, he thinks about picking up one of the more familiar books and leafing through it, the Captain looks quiet and serene reading his own book, even though Bucky knows he's being carefully watched no matter how nonchalant the army officer appears.

“Tell me your story of why your so fucking huge” Bucky says, finally sick of the silence.

The Captain looks up from his book “I thought you said that was a lie”

“I did, _it is_ ,” Says Bucky, “But for all the effort they must have put into making you look like Steve, and overlooked something as dumb as that? It must be a good story”

The Captain looks hurt, the expression confusing for Bucky but then the Captain sighs and puts his book aside, he straightens up, brushes off his jacket.

“I was part of a government program to create super soldiers” the Captain says slowly.

"Aren’t you special" Bucky says glowering into his coffee cup.

The Captain makes a hand-waving gesture that makes Bucky think that the Captain might not believe his own press, “Something about being a good man, strength of character and all that.” the Captain says.

Bucky snorts “Well now I know your full of shit, Steve was never good for anyone, even himself”

The Captain's hurt expression deepens. "If you say so" He says.

Bucky glares at him, daring to continue.

 The Captain seems to be seriously considering lapsing back into silence and picking his book back up, but then he takes a deep breath, and lets it out "The Nazi deep science division, Hydra, had infiltrated the test, they assassinated head scientist" he continues.

 _Hydra_ , Bucky has seen the name, printed on German documents they rescued from several sites, and yelled by soldiers before they killed themselves, falling on their bayonets or swallowing poison.

_Cut off one head..._

Bucky shudders, nausea starting to rise in his gorge.

"Bucky?" Asks the Captain and Bucky lunges at him

Bucky blinks, he's crouching on the tiled floor, his left arm limp at his side. He can't breathe through his nose, it feels like he's been punched in the face by a tank. His ribs hurt, he can taste blood in his mouth.

The Captain is crouched across the room from him, blood from his nose and lip all down the front of his shirt.

"солдат?" Asks the Captain.

"No... no Russian" Bucky manages, he tries to stand up, but his left arm hangs useless at his side weighing him down, he staggers and falls.

Bucky looks at his left arm, its covered in segmented panels of metal, and _what the fuck is wrong with his arm_ , he grabs the wrist, tries to pull the armor off, but a bolt of pain shoots through his side as if the thing is attached to him at the shoulder joint.

"What the fuck" he says.

He tries to move the arm, and he can't, it hangs heavily on his side and over balances him, he lands on his ass, his tail bone smarting as it hits the hard floor.

"Bucky" the Captain is by his side in an instant, not seeming to care that there is blood smearing his lower face.

"What hit me?" Bucky mumbles, his tongue feels to big and thick for his mouth.

The Captain laughs as he helps Bucky sit up. "I did"

"Ouch" says Bucky.

"You got me good too" Says the Captain smiling through the blood, it looks like he's had his nose bashed in again.

"Should have someone set that properly this time" Bucky murmurs.

"I will" The Captain helps Bucky back to his feet.  They are still in the sun room Bucky realizes and he sits back down heavily in one of the seats. The one he had originally been sitting in he observes, is tipped over and almost ripped in half.

"Can you tell me what happened?"  the Captain asks him gently.

Bucky notices that there is coffee spilled across the floor, some of the books that had previously been stacked on the table are now soaking up the liquid with their pages. Bucky reaches over and pulls _Johnny Got His Gun_ out from the puddle of spilled coffee and hands it to the Captain.

The Captain gives him a pained patient smile and takes the book from him.

"Can you tell me what happened Bucky?" The Captain asks again.

"I...I... I wanted to throw up" Bucky says, " and then I don't remember after that."

The Captain nods like that’s important.

"Can you remember what made you want to throw up?" He asks.

"You were...you were" Bucky rubs his head, pain blooming behind his eyes "Talking about Nazis, and Hydra, telling me about why you look like Charles Atlas"

" I see" says the Captain, he frowns, rubs his chin. Bucky hears the scrape of fingertips against stubble, again the Captain’s facade cracks and he looks exhausted. "Let's get your back to your room"

"What the fuck is wrong with my arm" Bucky demands, "Why can't I move my arm? What the fuck is this shit on it" Bucky hefts the limp appendage up, holding the forearm gingerly, the plates cold against the palm of his right hand. The fingers of the left-hand twitch slightly, but he can't feel it. "What did you do to it?"

The Captain opens his mouth, then closes it, he leans forward, reaching gingerly out to Bucky.

"May I?" He asks, touching the fingers of Bucky's immobile left arm. Bucky can’t do anything but let him touch the arm.

The Captain puts the palm of his head on the underside of the elbow, and helps Bucky straighten the arm out, the fingers twist and curl in response to the touch. Then the Captain begins to unwrap the remaining bandages covering it. Inch by gleaming inch the metal armor is revealed.

“What the fuck, what the fuck is this” Bucky demands, he gingerly touches the arm with his right hand, the metal is cool to the touch and it doesn’t feel quite real because he can't feel it even though its right in front of him. 

“What did you do too me, why can't I move my arm?” Bucky demands again.

“We don’t know, we think it might be some kind of failsafe the Russians built in”

“So, the Russians did this to me? Is that why you keep asking me things in Russian? How long have I been here?” Bucky is feeling increasingly hysterical, the not knowing is somehow worse than the violation committed on his arm.

The Captain looks helpless “I can’t tell you that” He says.

“Why can’t you tell me that? Or can you not tell me that either”

The Captain sighs, rubs the back of his neck with his hand, and looks down apologetically “Bucky please” He says, and if Bucky closes his eyes and doesn't look at the Captain and his too familiar face he can totally imagine it is Steve Rogers talking to him. "Please, just trust me"

"You're not Steve Rogers" Bucky yells at him sitting bolt upright in bed, almost swinging his legs off so he can look the Captain in the eye. "Stop asking me to trust you while you're wearing his face" of course the Captain is much bigger than him and could punch his block off in a way Steve Rogers never could.

The Captain looks defeated "Ok, " He says, he stands up and brushes his pants off, then he leaves, and the door clicks locked behind him.

The harried looking American doctor comes to visit him next, the redheaded nurse stands quiet and predatory behind him, Bucky doesn’t know how he never noticed the cold calculation in her gaze before, but now he is absolutely sure she's here not just as an assistant, but also to control Bucky if Bucky decides to be difficult.

"Captain Rogers said you had an episode while he was telling you about Hydra" the doctor is asking. "Can you tell me how that felt?"

"Felt like I wanted to vomit, but vomit out my brains instead of my stomach" Bucky says, " and then next thing I know the Captain is talking to me in Russian"

"You lost time?" The doctor asks.

"I guess" Bucky says.

The doctor makes hmming and uhming noises of understanding as Bucky talks, he takes out a pen light and checks Bucky's eyes. Flicking the light on and off until Bucky pushes him away, then he takes Bucky's right arm and makes him told it out straight and observes if Bucky can keep his fingers steady, _he can thank you very much_. Then he helps Bucky straighten out the left arm out, Bucky can't hold it up, but the doctor still manages to get the hand to flex and ball into a fist before relaxing.

"So, the Russian's do this to me? Bucky asks as the doctor helps Bucky put the arm back in the sling across his chest.

The doctor glances back at the nurse who shrugs, then he reaches over to Bucky's shoulder, raises the soft blue cloth of his scrubs off the bicep, revealing a red star set into the metal work.

"The design is soviet," the doctor says. "But you lost the arm due to misadventure, not by deliberate action."

"So, my arm is completely gone? " Bucky demands, and the doctor nods. Bucky feels the familiar feeling of revulsion building in his throat.

"So, whys it stuck like this?" He asks. "This thing is some future bullshit, why doesn’t it work"

The doctor glances at the nurse again. "We're not sure why its stuck for you, because...." He starts to say.

"...because the Soldier can use it" the nurse cuts him off, stepping forward like she's suddenly done with pretending to be the doctor's subordinate. "Do you remember the Soldier?"

"I was a soldier" Bucky says defensively " _am_ a soldier, US Army 107th infantry, I was at Salerno."

"No, _the_ Soldier, _the Winter Soldier_ " The nurse insists.

"I don't know who that is" Bucky says. "Sure sounds like what a Russian would name something."

“Грузовой вагон” says the nurse.

Bucky blinks.


	4. Chapter 4

They take him for testing again, the nurse and the doctor. Bucky is careful of the nurse now, the doctor is clearly not military, but the nurse reminds him of Peggy and her strict economy of movement.

The nurse holds up a needle and makes to reach for his arm, but Bucky jerks his arm back before she can inject him.

"What are you putting into me" Bucky demands

"Something to calm you down, the scanner can be unpleasant and stressful "

"No" Bucky says.

" Have it your way" the nurse says, her expression noncommittal, she shrugs and takes the needle away.

They strap him to the board, put his head in some kind of cage so that he doesn’t move, its chilly in the room and he can feel goosebumps rise all over his skin in waves.

The gurney slides in, the scanning machine is a looming bulk with a hole in the center like a mouth, when the gurney stops sliding his head is set inside the aperture.

Claustrophobia clenches in his gut, the machine makes quick sequence bangs like a machine gun, and the roof of the passage his head is placed in is mere inches from his nose and some kind of plate rotates close to his face.

Another sequence of bangs sounds close to his ear and then there is a noise like ripping metal and Bucky's breath catches in his lungs, he squirms, his chest feels tight, his head is suddenly filled with roaring wind.

"Sargent Barnes, please do not move" a tinny voice says from a speaker mounted somewhere nearby.

"No...no" he manages "I can't breathe" he reaches up to claw at the collar that secures his head in place trying to pull it free. "I don't want to forget" he feels electricity stiffening his muscles, the sourness of rubber between his teeth.

A door slams somewhere and his gurney is sliding smoothly out of the machine, the nurse's cold hands undoing the clasps on the cage around his head.

The nurse smiles humorlessly at him. "Told you" she admonishes.

Bucky sits up and gets his breath back, his whole body feels like it son fire, hot and cold at the same time, the nurse shows him the needle again.

 It can't have been more than a few seconds since the machine started up, but it already feels like hours and Bucky is drenched in sweat, his whole body shaking except the left arm which hangs limply by his side as usual.

Bucky takes the needle, and loses the ability to tell time.

" _Do you know me?_ " The Captain asks in a calm authoritative voice.

 Bucky nods.

" _Who am I?_ " The Captain asks.

" _Captain Rogers, Steven Grant, alias Captain America born..._ "  Bucky answers promptly.

The Captain waves him into silence.

"The soldier knows you're Steve Rogers, and based on galvanic skin response and capillary reactivity Bucky recognizes you too, but just can't seem to integrate it..." the doctor is saying.

The Captain rubs his neck but doesn’t say anything.

" Which is interesting" says the doctor "because that would mean that the soldier's programming would be seated in a part of the brain that can still access..."

The doctor holds up a brain scan, outlines luminous against the light box "see the lesions there and there they were purposefully cutting away those areas in hopes of inducing some kind of face blindness" the doctor looks faintly green around the edges, like he's going to be violently ill.

"But why would they need to make it so he couldn't recognize people" the Captain asks, also looking a little sick.

"A killing machine that can't recognize people as people? Sounds perfect" the nurse says.

"Still doesn’t explain why the Soldier can recognize me and Bucky can't" the Captain says.

Bucky sits on the exam table, content to be left out of the conversation, this is how it should be, he is a weapon to be pointed and fired, the hard decisions about where to point him are other people's concerns. It makes sense that they are speaking in English, English is usually only used by high-ranking officers, his handlers and technicians all speak to him in Russian or German.

"Well that’s simple" The nurse says, she glances back at Bucky "The soldier isn't in love with Steve Rogers, Bucky is" her smile is sly " _Isn't that right?_ " She looks directly at Bucky.

Bucky starts, he had been drifting, his mind comfortably free of thought, but the nurse's words snap him right back and he lands in his body with a jolt.

"I...I... I don't know what you're talking about" Bucky says.

"You're not going to be arrested for sodomy, we don't care about that" the nurse insists. " you're in love with Steve Rogers"

The silence hurts, the Captain glowers at him from the corner of the room, Steve Rogers’s face had never worn such a dark expression. Bucky feels naked and exposed, his deepest secret laid bare to the Captain in such a casual manner. The Captain who wears Steve's face, but twists it into so many horrible expressions.

"No" Bucky says.

The silence stretches again, oppressive and heavy, like a physical weight on Bucky's shoulder, the fingers on his left-hand twitch. He wants to empty out his head, hollow it out, pour out everything until its completely dry inside.

"Yes" Bucky says, suddenly he wants to cry.

"солдат? Asks the doctor.

Bucky shakes his head, blinking back tears "No Russian"

"Well that’s all well and good" Says the Captain suddenly from where he had been silently brooding, "How do we fix it" he says, no one had asked him if Steve Rogers was in love with Bucky Barnes.

“how do we fix what exactly? The soldier not being in love with Steve? " the doctor is saying "The soldier doesn’t have the cognitive capacity for love, he's got some kind of weird alpha male thing for you because in his 50 odd years operational history you're the only one who ever got back up after being put down by him”

“When you say it that way” the Captain says, his jaw tightening in a way that might lead to violence. “So, how do I get Bucky to recognize me”

“I’m still fucking here” Bucky says surging up off the examination table to punch the Captain in his big dumb face.

“Грузовой вагон” says the Captain so harshly his voice stings Bucky’s ears.

Bucky blinks, lowers his arm, his left arm, he had just been about to lay the Captain out.

“ _I’m sorry Captain_ ” He says, “ _I don’t know what came over me_ ”

“ _It's ok Soldier_ ” The Captain says, and Bucky feels himself relax.

Bucky blinks. Steve Rogers is sitting across from him with a copy of _Seven Pillars of Wisdom_ open on his lap.

"That one still your favorite?" Bucky says deliriously and blinks his eyes a few times to clear his vision.

"My favorite?" The Captain asks, turning another page. The copy is well worn, a photo of Lawrence looking round shouldered and sad on the cover.

Bucky had always been amused as to the similarity between Lawrence and Steve.  _"Two angry little shrimps who are secretly strategic geniuses"_ Bucky had told Steve after reading a few passages and watching Steve methodically destroying old men at chess in the park while the midsummer sun had beat down on their faces.

" _His_ favorite" Bucky amends angrily.

The Captain closes the book and sets it aside without another word. They are back in the sun room again, but the scene projected is different, now it shows lush rain-forest and deep blue skies, bird wheel in the distance.

"Tell me about what he liked about it" the Captain asks.

Bucky picks up the Lawrence and flips through it, the pages are filled with marginalia in blue ink, the hand is familiar, but the ink is old. He flips to a glossy photo of Lawrence himself, standing by an open door in a blindingly white robe. Bucky holds the picture up.

"He looks like Steve don't you think" Bucky asks the Captain accusingly.

The Captain raises an eyebrow "there's some resemblance" he says

Bucky flips through a few more pages and then back to the front of the book looking for the inscription plate that had been set into the title page of Steve's copy.  The book lacks it, just as he had expected.

"Steve told me his Ma gave the book to him, said she had seen it in a bookstore window and had almost dropped everything to go buy it for Steve" Bucky remembers the story well, Steve had told it too him enough times after all. " She said Steve's Da had met Lawrence when he was on furlough in England, that he was a real hero"

"I see" The Captain says, a small smile tugs at the edge of his mouth. "Lawrence is a very problematic figure" the Captain says.

"Whatever that means," Bucky makes a dismissive wave with his hand "he was a scrawny little guy like Steve who showed everyone up with his brains" he says.

The Captain smiles, it's one of his rare expressions that might actually be genuine "I understand" he says.

The Captain has more photos for him.

"Do you recognize this?" The Captain asks, holding out a photo of a man in a stupid blue suit that seems to consist mostly of an American flag, he's holding a triangular shield on one arm and pointing at the camera with the other as if indicating the viewer. This picture is clearly some kind of publicity still from some campaign to drum up war bonds and to sucker young men into going to war.

Bucky makes a disgusted noise, but something about the man's outfit tickles his memory, he thinks he may have seen posters for this campaign or something.  Bucky peers more closely at the man's face, and realizes that the man in the stupid costume and the Captain sitting across from him are the same person.

"Did you actually wear this in public?" Bucky asks.

The Captain gives him a rueful expression and rubs the back of his neck "Yeah, I swapped it out for a more combat ready uniform later though"

The Captain produces another picture, the Captain again, still wearing most of a flag, but the colors are muted now, and the fabric sturdy and well made. The shield that he's holding is now round. He stands pointing at something off camera. In front of him a map is spread out on the front of a jeep, another man bending over the map, his face obscured by a curl of dark hair. In the background Bucky can see pine trees.

"This in Italy?" Bucky asks.

"Monte Cassino” the Captain says.

"Azzano isn't anywhere that close to Rome." Bucky retorts

The Captain puts the photo away and pulls out another, holds it up for Bucky to see and Bucky’s entire body flinches involuntarily.

This photo is different, its blurry and looks like whatever it captured had been happening at high speed.

The photo is from a high angle, of a traffic intersection, a man stands in the middle of the intersection, he is dressed in black leather, a mask over his face, a dark snarl of hair streaming out behind him.

He's caught in the motion of stepping forward and bringing a strange looking weapon to bear, and Bucky can see the man's left wrist and _its covered by silver segmented armor_ and Bucky does actually vomit this time, his stomach retching and heaving, bringing up all the bland food they had been feeding him. The sour stink of vomit makes him wretch again and he falls out of his chair with out is left arm to support himself with.

"Is that, is that the Winter Soldier?" He asks when he finally has his breath back, he waves the Captain away when he tries to kneel to help Bucky back into his seat.

“Yes, that's the Winter Soldier”

"Is he not a Thomas Paine fan?" Bucky asks, blinking back tears.

"Russians don't much care for Paine" the Captain says, smiling sadly at him.

“Why can’t I see his face” Bucky asks, though the silver arm is all he needed to see for the feeling of dread to start building in his stomach.

The Captain produces another photo, he seems reluctant to show it to Bucky, but finally he holds it out, and it's a man, eyes closed, skin so pale it almost looks blue. The man almost looks asleep, and there's a rime of frost along the edge of whatever the photo had been taken through.

“The man in the window.” Bucky says, he wipes his mouth.

“The window?” The Captain asks, confused.

Bucky jerks his head back towards the bathroom door “the window” he says.

 The Captain puts his hand over his mouth, his skin suddenly pales. “Bucky that's a mirror” he says. “That's you, in the mirror, you in the photos, its only ever been you.”

“Bullshit” Bucky says. “First you tell me your Steve Rogers, then you tell me I’m not me?”

The Captain looks like he's going to get up and leave for a second, but then he leans forward, face seriously.

"Bucky, I know your confused, but the Russians, Hydra, they did a lot of damage" he pauses choosing his words carefully "damage to your brain, its why you can't recognize me, or yourself"

"Your full of shit" Bucky says.

"I'm sorry" the Captain says, "I'm so so sorry Bucky, but we are working so hard to help you, you just have to put up with this a little bit longer"

Bucky, surprising himself, believes him.

"Where are we?" Bucky asks.

"Wakanda" The Captain answers.

"What-and-a?" Bucky trips over the unfamiliar sounds.

"It’s a small nation in central Africa, the king owes me one" The Captain says breezily like he regularly has tea with the Queen of England.

"Aren’t you special" Bucky says.

Still, being able to actually smell the soil and the flowers goes a long way to convince him that this garden is real and not a projection like the sun room in the facility.

"How do I know this is real?" Bucky asks, mostly in jest, and because of the sour look that wrinkles the Captain's Steve Rogers brow, so close to what he's trying to approximate that it hurts, and Bucky regrets it.

"You are dead set on not believing a thing I say, so nothing I say can convince you" The Captain says.

He's put his feet up on a low table, this time he has a glass of something that smells fruity, and a copy of _The Quiet American_ open on his lap. Bucky remembers that book, he knows its plot, remembers that it's a _biased portrait of obtuse and destructive American innocence and idealism_ but those are someone else's words, in his head he can hear them in someone else's voice, and he can't remember anything else about it.

"Well that’s your problem" Bucky says. He sips the tea the nurse had brought him. He still hasn't seen anyone but the Captain, the harried doctor, and the red-haired nurse. He has a faint memory of a negro woman in a black uniform, but the image flickers and fades away before he can grasp it.

"How are you feeling?" The Captain asks.

"Is that a trick question?" Bucky asks. "I’m being held against my will"

The Captain raises and eyebrow, he takes a sip from his drink, doesn't give any indication that he's going to elaborate on the question.

"No answer is better than a lie I guess" Bucky tells him.

"That goes both ways " The Captain says as he sets his glass on the table. Bucky drinks his tea, its good old-fashioned builders' tea like the Irish laborers had drunk when he had worked at the docks, its smell is familiar, comforting, like the smell of the soap it brings back more memories of warm hands on his body.

"Seems fair" Bucky agrees.

"I'm glad we agree" the Captain says, he sounds sincere, but he's proved to be an adept liar, swapping from truth to half-truth to false hood without a blink of the eye. Those unguarded moments when the facade slips, and he looks more like Steve Rogers are very rare, and Bucky looks forward to them because they are the only time he can get a true inkling of the Captain's feelings.

"You are making progress" The Captain says, "I'll be able to tell you more as you get better and better"

"Better is very subjective" Bucky says, he doesn’t really believe the Captain will tell him anything, instead of just string him along with half-truths and false promises.

"I guess that’s true" the Captain says, and he glances down. "Can you tell me about that?"

Bucky realizes he has a book in his lap, he looks down at it _Преданная революция: Что такое СССР и куда он идет?_  reads the title on a bold red background. Bucky peers at it, trying to make sense of the jumble of Cyrillic letters.  He doesn’t remember picking it up from the small pile of aging paper backs on the low table in front of them.

"Can you read that?" The Captain asks, putting his own book aside.

"No.." Bucky stares at the book cover trying to make sense of the shapes. He knows this book, he's seen it before. He stares at the title some more until the shape of it loses meaning, and then suddenly _he knows._

“Trotsky” He says. “This is Trotsky’s bullshit”

“Why do you say that?” The Captain asks curiously.

“Because... Because” Bucky isn’t sure why, but he has a very powerful feeling of disdain for the book, someone had spoken to him about at length, and....what...? He doesn’t know.

“Someone told me....” Bucky says lamely.

"Who?" The Captain presses.

Bucky dreads the feeling of nausea that comes when he reaches back into his memory, the minefield of images, flashes of things he can't interpret. He realizes that he's gripping his thigh with his right hand so tightly that his nails are cutting into his skin.

"Kar...Karpov" Bucky says. He shoves the book away like it burns, like its diseased, it falls off his lap and thumps to the ground and lands open along the spine.

The Captain bends down and picks it up, smooths the pages and closes it, he puts it back on the table between them.

Bucky feels like he's drowning, like his chest is filling up with darkness, and he wants to be able to open up his head and pour it all out, but he can't, it gets stuck in his gorge. Bucky realizes he's crying, hadn't noticed until the hot salty drops hit his lips and he can taste his own tears.

The Captain is leaning forward towards him, his face concerned, one hand on Bucky's knee.

"Bucky" He says quietly, gently "This is good, it's good that you can't remember that, you picking that book is important."

"Don't touch me" Bucky says, but doesn’t make any attempt to dislodge the Captain's hand from his knee. Feeling the heavy warm hand through his thin scrubs is somehow comforting.  The Captain hasn't really done anything to give Bucky the sense that he has anything but good intentions, but he lied, he's lied so much, he lied about being Steve Rogers.

The Captain squeezes his knee, expression still sympathetic, Bucky wants to curl up into himself, curl up so tight he just vanishes.

Some one new comes to visit Bucky, a negro man, looking well put together in an air force uniform, Bucky didn’t know they let negros in the air forces. The negro’s service pins indicate he's a member of the medical services, and he has the same special branch pin that the Captain has.

“It's nice to finally meet you Bucky” the negro medic says “I’ve heard a lot about you”

“All bad I assume” Bucky says sourly, before the medic arrived he had been sitting upright in the bed picking apart the threads of his sheets.

“Oh no” the medic smiles, revealing gapped teeth “The Captain was telling me how well you are doing”

“Why isn’t he telling me that” Bucky says, not looking up.

"I know it's frustrating, but he has to play everything close to his chest these days" the medic says, sounding apologetic

"Right..." Bucky says.

The medic laughs, his expressions are much more genuine than the Captain's expressions are, he seems genuinely pleased that Bucky is doing better.

“He thought you might like to see a new face. The Captain has duties that will keep him occupied for a while, he asked me to keep you company”

“You a doctor?” Bucky asks curiously, he has never met a negro doctor before.

“Para-rescue” the medic says.

“Para what?” Bucky asks.

“Like if a paratrooper was a doctor too” The medic says.

“Sounds like a death wish to me” Bucky says.

"Sounds about right" the medic replies, and he gives Bucky another blindingly friendly smile. "How about we go outside, these rooms are depressing" the medic suggests.

Bucky sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"I can get a wheel chair, or can you walk?" The medic asks.

"Walk" Bucky says, it feels good to stretch his legs, but they still feel a little wobbly when he puts his feet to the floor. The floor is cool against the bottom of his feet.

"Do I get shoes?" Bucky asks.

The medic laughs, and nods "Hold on man" the medic turns away walking across the room.

Bucky takes a few tentative steps, one foot in front of the other, his one hand resting on the bed for stability.

The medic returns with a sweater made of some thick pale fabric and a pair of white slip on shoes with rubber soles.

"It's quite warm out, but I thought you might want something more substantial to wear" the medic says as Bucky slips on the shoes. Bucky takes the sweater and folds it, tucks it under his arm just in case. The freedom of choice of what to wear is exhilarating after having every choice dictated to him.

The good cheer that actually walking himself out the door and down the hall way brings him is somewhat dampened by the fact that everything hurts, that his entire body feels stiff and unused. The dead weight of the arm on his shoulders makes it hard to balance, and his whole body feels heavy, his muscles ache like he's been running hard.

He shuffles like an old man; the medic offers a hand on his elbow but Bucky waves it away. They make slow progress down the halls, Bucky following the medic who deftly leads Bucky around corners until Bucky is totally lost.

Finally, the medic pushes open a glass door and they step out into a lush garden. The air is filled with the sweet smell of cut grass and unfamiliar fruits. Somewhere there is a bird making noises, and leaves rustle in a mild but pleasant wind. It's not too humid, and it's not too hot.

There's a few wooden chairs sitting around a low wooden table at the end of a narrow gravel path and the medic leads him towards them, the medic helps Bucky settle into one of the seats, then sits down next to him.

The medic loosens his tie as he sits down across the table from Bucky.

"I never get over how beautiful it is here" the medic says. " I'm just a kid from Harlem, never thought I would make it all the way to the legendary Wakanda."

"Never heard of the place."

" they've maintained a policy of isolation for a very long time, the colonials left them more or less alone, so they've been able to flourish" the medic seems proud, happy even.

A flourishing African nation, it must be a dream for a negro like him Bucky reflects.

"The Captain says the king owes him one" Bucky says.

"He does, more than one if you ask me" the medic leans forward as if confiding something to Bucky that he shouldn't be.

"Did I know you?" Bucky asks the medic "Before I got hurt" the medic's face tickles something in his memory.

"You uh, " the medic pauses, rubs his chin, "among other things, you kicked me off a plane"

"I did what? Why the fuck did I do that?"

The medic opens his mouth to respond but Bucky waves him into silence.

"It's complicated, is that what you're going to say, or that you can't tell me that until I'm better"

"Well I can tell you that I know you didn't mean too, you weren't yourself" the medic says sadly,

"Because the Russians did something to my brain" Bucky replies.

"In the simplest terms" the medic says "yes"

"and that’s why I'm here now"

"Also correct"

"So why wont the Captain tell me these things"

"He plays everything close to his chest, he's a tactician at heart, and keeping you in the dark lets him plan long term" the medic says. "As much as he hates to keep things from you, it's for the best"

"Well there's another thing he got wrong about Steve Rogers, Steve was so goddamn honest it hurt" Bucky says.

The medic wrinkles his nose as part of a slightly different smile, "the war taught the Captain the value of secrecy" the medic says, "but he beats himself up about keeping things from you"

That’s another weird little human detail about the Captain, revealing that he has feelings and options that exist in a space outside his interactions with Bucky.

"Well you're not a tactician, you’re a doctor, you can't agree with what he's doing, I'm a prisoner of war" Bucky says, leaning forward in the chair.

Grass tickles at his ankles, all around him the fragrance of the garden rises. Bucky knows he can't get away, all around him there are walls, artfully covered with creepers and vines, but Bucky is still isolated, locked away in some private garden.

"I don't agree with it no, but I have to follow orders" the medic says.

Bucky starts to laugh and then can't stop laughing, "following orders, the soldier's excuse for everything" he says. "I know, I know, the banality of evil" Buck spits on the ground in disgust.

There is a long moment of silence before the medic asks curiously "where did you hear that?"

"What?" Bucky asks.

"where did you hear that phrase, the banality of evil?" The medic asks again, he leans in clearly interested.

"I read it somewhere, probably one of Steve's books"

The medic sits back, rubs his chin again, "I could bring you some of her books you might find it interesting"

" Is interesting just a synonym for complicated now?"

The medic gives him that sad unhappy look again "it's complicated" He says, he clearly wants to say more, but he is a soldier and he is following his orders not to tell fucking anything to Bucky.

"Fuck all of you" Bucky says, waving his hand at the table and the books in front of them, he almost knocks the glass of juice over and the medic jerks forward to right the glass.

"You've got every right to be angry" the medic says, "But if you don't trust the Captain, can you trust me?"

"I don't even know you" Bucky says.

"Sure, you do" the medic replies "You kicked me off a plane"

"And that makes us friends?" Bucky asks incredulous.

"Sure, it does" the medic replies, and smiles. "You don't trust the Captain because you don't believe he's Steve Rogers, but you don't know me from Jack"

The Captain comes to visit him.

"My lieutenant told me you might be interested in this" The Captain holds out a book to Bucky:  _Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil_ by Hannah Arendt

"The banality of evil?" Bucky asks.

" My lieutenant said you knew the phrase but couldn't remember where from" The Captain says, "this is where its from"

Bucky opens the book, flips through the pages "This is..." He can't put his finger on it for a second "the war is over..." He finally grasps it. "did we win?"

The Captain smiles, pleased and proud in the same expression "We did" he says, and Bucky finds himself believing the Captain again, the sensation is slightly unpleasant, and he doesn't like it.

Bucky cracks the book open, flips through a couple pages, then abruptly closes it with a snap. "All those Jews” he says.

The Captain wrinkles his nose, "Yeah" he says,

The enormity of the idea hangs over them for a few seconds.

"What year is it?" Bucky suddenly demands, he cracks open the book again, peering at the publishing information on the inner cover "Is it fucking 1961? What the fuck happened to me?"

"I can't tell you the exact date"

"Why not, you just gave me a book  telling me that the war ended in.." Bucky flips through some pages "1944, and we won, and what?"

The Captain takes the book from Bucky "our doctor instructed me to give you information  in little pieces, allow you to acclimate to one before I introduce another"

"So we are at _least_ in the year 1961" Bucky grabs the book back and turns it over in his hands, its a paper back, and looks well read, there's a water stain on the inside cover, the book  is at least a couple years old, so not 1961, but even further in the future.

"Or this could be some elaborate ploy by the Nazis to get me to reveal information _I don't have_ by making me think I'm in the future"

"So we're back to me being a Nazi then?" The Captain asks mildly.

"If you want"

"So why would I, as a Nazi want to convince you that you are in the future for information, there are much less theatrical ways to interrogate a man"

"Most of them don't work" Bucky replies angrily "hurt a man enough and he'll say anything, I wouldn't trust any intel from an interrogation where some one got hurt, better to  destroy his sense of reality, make him not trust his own mind"

"That's a very novel approach to torture" the Captain says.

Bucky shrugs, not sure where he learned it, he hasn't actually ever had to torture anyone, but still he can clearly feel the right weight of pressure to apply to a nerve to produce the most pain.

"What  intel have I tried to get out of you?" The Captain asks.

"Azzano" Bucky says. "You want to know what happened at Azzano"

"But  I was at Azzano  and its already over and done with, why would I need to know about something that already happened?" The Captain asks diplomatically.

Bucky frowns, he can't actually remember a whole lot about the attack on Azzano, his last concrete memory is eating d rations in a rainy field and after that  its just a blur of  images,  clambering up through pine trees, crouching behind a concrete buttress, a fierce joy and a sense of bewilderment that  he can't identify the source of, and pain, so much pain. .

 _'I thought you were dead'_ says a familiar voice in his mind _' I thought you were smaller'_ says another familiar voice.

"You said you didn't get there until 2 weeks later and all you had was after action reports" Bucky says.

"I did say that didn't I" the Captain says "good job" The Captain  claps his big hands together.

" Good job at what?" Bucky says petulantly "remembering things you say? My memory isn't the problem here"

The Captain raises his eyebrows "Are you sure about that?"

Bucky opens his mouth to angrily retort, then he closes it again. Every time he reaches for a memory  its a crap shoot as to if he will bring something useful out into the open. Bucky feels a bit dizzy, nausea builds in his throat.

"Bucky?" The Captain asks as the silence lengthens between them.


	5. Chapter 5

A new person comes to visit Bucky. Bucky has been sitting outside, his eyes closed, smelling the warm air, the flowers and the scent of good coffee when he hears some settles into one of the seats across from him.

Bucky thinks it might be the medic at first, the Captain's negro lieutenant, but it isn't, its another negro, but he isn't wearing a military uniform like all most other people Bucky has met.

"Who are you?" Bucky asks the new man.

"I am the King of Wakanda" says the man.

He doesn't look like Bucky might have imagined a king to look like, his clothing is casual, charcoal linen slacks, a cream colored dress shirt with instead of a tie, a pattern of  serrated teeth  picked out in gold thread decorates his collar. The collar of the shirt is open revealing the rise of his clavicle.  the King has one  leg  crossed over the other and his shoes are a shiny black patent leather.

Still his bearing is  regal and authoritative, he sits in the chair across from Bucky like Bucky should be thankful he is being  honored by the King's presence.

"Never heard of you" says Bucky.

"As it should be" says the King,  his English is excellent and the accent is quite unlike any Bucky has heard before. "Wakanda takes  her privacy very seriously"

Bucky doesn't know how to respond to that so he just juts out his chin stubbornly and stares at the King.

"I'm told that you are greatly improved" The King says giving Bucky a soft questioning smile, it  takes some of the authoritarianism off his poise and makes him a little more approachable.

"They don't tell me that" Bucky says petulantly.

The King smiles again, this time less softly "I wanted to see how the resources of my country were being spent, the Captain is notoriously close lipped"

"If its your country, can't you just waltz in anywhere you want?" Bucky asks.

"I could" the King says "But I am not a despot and respect the Captain's desire for privacy"

"So Captain has something on you" Bucky asks.

The King's expression goes through a strange little progression of emotions, and Bucky feels satisfied that he managed to upset the King.

"I have nothing to hide" The King says, he opens his mouth to say more but Bucky cuts him off.

"Except your country?" Bucky asks, pleased and suspicious in equal measure that the King had fallen into his trap.

The King's expression becomes more irritated. "It is more a matter of owing the Captain for a mistake I made" The King says.

"And what mistake was that?" Bucky asks.

The King smiles, his teeth are very white and very sharp "Almost killing you" he says. The King's accent has a weird lisp, tongue to the top of the mouth on his S sounds like a cat hissing.

"Almost?" Bucky asks.

"The Captain appealed to my better nature" The King says, his tone becoming calm and civil again. "He showed me how you were an innocent, and I had been manipulated by someone who had wished to hurt _those who had owned you_ "

Bucky's whole-body flinches, he tastes the sourness of rubber in his mouth, he is suddenly freezing cold despite the warm tropical air in the garden. Bucky feels pain building between his eyes, the yawning sensation of a sudden migraine. Bucky closes his eyes and shakes his head to dispel the feeling of looming nausea.

Bucky hears footsteps behind him, a tall shadow falls across Bucky, the Captain must have returned.

"Ah, hello Captain" the King says, looking up from where his gaze had been fixed on Bucky. "Your Sergeant Barnes and I were just having a conversation"

"Your Highness" the Captain comes up behind Bucky. The Captain put one of his big calloused hands possessively on Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky tries not to flinch The Captain's voice is respectful, but cold.

Bucky looks back and forth between the Captain and the King, there is clearly some kind of tension between them.

                The King looks at Bucky, smiles. “It was nice to finally meet you properly Sergeant Barnes, I hope we can speak again soon.”

                Bucky tries to smile back, be polite but he can’t remember how to make his face make the right positions.

The King gets to his feet, tips his head in farewell to the Captain and walks out of Bucky’s field of vision, presumably disappearing into the door the Captain had just exited.

The Captain sits down in the seat that the King had just vacated, he sets a fresh cup of coffee down on the table between himself and Bucky along with a new stack of books and notebooks, and interestingly a tin pencil case.

"Hello Buck, how are you feeling?" The Captain asks.

"Been better" Bucky says casually, he reaches out for the coffee that the Captain had just brought, clearly for himself and helps himself to it. Bucky takes a sip, too much sugar and not enough milk, just like Steve liked it.

The Captain raises an eyebrow, and Bucky levelly meets his gaze. The Captain then reaches over and picks up the cup that Bucky had abandoned half empty on the table. The Captain takes a sip, the liquid inside still warm, and the coffee inside is mostly milk.

The Captain makes a face and puts the coffee cup down on the table between them. "Still drinking coffee flavored milk" The Captain says as he reaches for one of the notebooks he had set down earlier and cracks open the pencil tin.

Bucky shrugs, and doesn't mention the way Steve liked his coffee.

The Captain gets the notebook open on his knee, a pencil in one hand, his eyes in one of those rare unguarded moments skitter away from Bucky and focus on the flowers of a climbing plant beyond Bucky’s right shoulder, he starts to draw.

                They sit in silence for a while, Bucky sipping his Steve Rogers coffee and the Captain focused on his sketch. It's nice, comfortable, almost familiar.

                Another new person comes to see Bucky, he's middle aged, but pretending not to be, his beard neatly trimmed and he's wearing shiny aviator sunglasses indoors, but he's clearly not military, as he's wearing an expensive looking linen suit and the way he slouches in the chair across from Bucky’s bed speaks of a man who has never been told no in his life.

                “So, you're the Winter Soldier” Says the man, he sounds unimpressed.

                “So, they tell me” Says Bucky.

                Behind the sunglasses the man’s expression sours somewhat.

                “Who are you?” Bucky asks, closing his copy of _Hard to be a God_ with a snap.

                “I’m the man allowing all this to happen” The man waves his hand around at the blank and featureless room.

                “I thought I already met the King of Wakanda” Bucky says.

                “Ha-ha” Says the man, he leans forward, taking his sunglasses off revealing pale brown eyes surrounded by crow's feet “You’re funny, they didn’t tell me you were funny”

                “Who are you?” Bucky asks again.

                “I’m Iron Man” Says the man.

                “That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard” Bucky says, "sounds like something named by a 12-year-old"

                The man looks at Bucky like he's something he wiped off his shoe, “I’m the engineer behind most of the technology they are using to help you”

                “I wouldn't quit your day job” Bucky says.

            The engineer scoffs, “Wakanda might have a glut of natural resources and an excellent school system, but neither are a replacement for pure unadulterated genius”

                Bucky shrugs, he isn't interested in what this narcissistic fool has to say.

                “You killed my parents” Says the engineer, his voice is low and any of the civility and false humor that it had been filled with seconds before are gone.

                “I killed a lot of infantry at Salerno and Sicily” Bucky says. “I don’t think any of them were old enough to have kids”

                The engineer’s face goes pale, then starts to go red, and Bucky can hear him grinding his teeth together. “You ran them off the road in upstate New York”

                “I don’t remember that” Says Bucky “but they tell me I have brain damage”

"You don't  _remember?!_ " the engineer hisses in anger, "You should remember _all of them,_ every single one of them, they should play their names to you while you sleep so you can never get a moment of peace."

Bucky flinches back, trying to fold himself into the bed and put as much distance as can between himself and the engineer. He wishes he hadn’t set his book down on the table, so he could throw it at the engineer.

" _That’s enough_ " Says the Captain's voice, and then the Captain has pulled the engineer back by the shoulder. “I gave you strict instructions when I agreed to let you talk to him” The Captain speaks like a man who has never been disobeyed.

“I’m not one of your lackey's Cap” the engineer says, looking up at the Captain, puts his sunglasses back on. “I don’t take orders from you”

            “Of course, you don’t” The Captain replies mildly.

            Bucky blinks and he’s sitting in a lab with the doctor and the nurse, he has his right arm extended for the nurse to take his pulse. 

            “Welcome back Sergeant” The nurse says as Bucky blinks again, he tugs his arm out of her hands and she lets it go, unhooking her stethoscope from her ears and hanging it around her neck.

                “What happened?” Bucky asks.

            “You met Iron Man” The nurse says, “Don’t worry, he's that childish to everyone”

            “He  said I killed his parents” Bucky says, he flexes his right hand, he tries to feel his left hand,  he can see it sitting immobile against his lap, but it might as well  not be attached to him for all Bucky can feel it.

            The redheaded nurse fixes Bucky with a glare, her lip twitches as if she wants to say something but is holding it back through sheer force of will, she must want to tell Bucky that yes, he did kill the engineer's parents, but is under orders from the Captain not too. Maybe Bucky can convince the Captain to tell him who he killed

            “Did the Winter Soldier kill his parents?” Bucky asks, the left arm’s fingers twitch at this.

            “Yes” Says the nurse. At this the left hand curls into a fist, and then relaxes.

            Bucky lapses into silence not sure how he's supposed to respond, he isn’t sure he knows how to process the fact that he's apparently done so many things that he can’t remember doing. There is still the niggling doubt that  this is all some kind of trick to get him to reveal….what exactly he isn’t sure.

            “Can you tell me about the Winter Soldier?” Bucky asks.


End file.
